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Rockstar Fitness

A Personalized Rockstar Regimen for my Friend, Nathan Shelkey aka Shelktone

By Siobhan O'Malley, A.C.E. (American Council on Exercise)certified

Vandal In, Vandal Out:  That loveable crew!

STEPS ONE THROUGH THREE

The Rockstar Regime may sound easy. But it ain't. To be a Rockstar one
must work hard. To be a Rockstar one must work hard. I am making sure that
sets in by repeating it. I am making sure that sets in...ha ha! You all
thought Nate hired a magpie for his fitness queries! But no, it's me.
I have a few steps Nate must endure in order to fully reach Rockstar Status.
I have taken into consideration many criteria: including his songs, his
temping lifestyle, his location in the Woodside Manor, his Indian Name
(Smokes-like-Wigwam-on-Fire) and his predisposition to buy unsightly,
hideously-awful Matchbox 20 CDs (i realize it is somewhat sacreligious to
make fun of a rockstar. but I will forever draw the line at Matchbox 20. I
don't care who you are).

OKay, here are some steps for the Rockstar Fitness Regime: (nate may take
them. he may not. i am just using what knowledge i have to perhaps help):

STEP ONE--CURTAILING CARPAL
As a fellow sufferer of the dreaded carpal, I know what pain, pain an dmore
pain the dreaded disease can cause. to use my new favorite phrase, it
blows. Man, does it blow. it-b-b-b-blows. Unfortunately, besides surgery,
there is not much one can do to "cure" carpal.
This is why Nate needs to travel to the nearest Duane Reade (or "Ready") and
pick himself up some two Futuro Brand braces. These will both help him at
work to type sans sharp, shooting pain. Taking numerous doses of advil
throughout the day will help somewhat too. And maybe also alleviate any
headaches he may be having because of cohorts at work who incessantly speak
of Energy Circles and Fatsy Footsies. But, to quote (R.I.P.) mary reardon,
I digress...
Furthermore, the combo of the braces and advil will certainly help protect
Nathan's wrists and forearms which are very much needed for jammin guitar
(when was the last time you saw a guitarist play with his/her feet?). his
finger-picking in "i'm not the one" and jam-a-lammin' in "ain't got nothing"
require his forearms and wrists to be carpal-free.

STEP TWO--PIPE DREAMS
Nathan has begun his regimen of push-ups. Push-ups are the most
comprehensive upperbody exercise one can do!! (Can you tell they excite
me?). Nate will use his pectorals, triceps, biceps, anterior deltoids, rear
deltoids and even his rectus abdominals with every push-up pushed. "Pipes"
are necessary for those tight Vandal In, Vandal Out shirts he may or may not
want to wear, where the bicep is busting out of the constricting cotton.

STEP THREE--CANCELLING OUT CIGARETTES
Okay, I'm living in a dream-world, of which i am aware, but I believe one
can push oneself very hard, cardio-speaking, despite the fact that one may
smoke a lot of smokes. There is nothing like a good, hard, run to "negate"
the soot and ash in your lungs. This is what i prescribe for Nathan. He
needs to do some hard cardio in order to combat his Indian Name. He may
also want to save time and do a circuit workout that incorporates both push
ups AND running!!! He lives in lovely Woodside, which would be a perfect
place to work on his aerobic-capacity, while simeultaneously perking up his
pipes. Why not start out with a 30-minute workout?
do a five minute jog as a warm up.
then do a interval/circuit workout for the next 25 minutes, going in cycles.
like try repeating this five minute cycle:
1 minute: moderate jog
2nd minute: hard-assed jog
3rd minute: push-ups hardcore
4th minute: hard-assed jog
5th minute--moderate jog

the is, in the A.C.E. world an imaginary chart called the PRE Chart. This
stands for Perceived Rate of Exertion. It goes from 1-10. You should be
asking yourself, when working out your heart, how hard you feel you are
working on a scale of 1-10. For instance, for the "moderate jog", you may
be between a 4 and 6 on the PRE. Whereas for the hard-assed, it would be
6-8. Maybe 9. But try and steer clear, for the most part from 9 and 10.
When you are working yourself at this level, it makes you more prone to
injury. Mechanics become less important and beingaware of your body
"mechanics" is what keeps you injury-free.
repeat the five minute interval five times. something like this. two birds
one stone, you see.

stay tuned for steps 4-6.

Over a year later, here comes the follow-up:

STEP FOUR: NO MORE WHINING ABOUT BEING WINDED

STEP FIVE: CHARLESTON TANK RHOMBOIDS

STEP SIX: SUNDAY WALKIN TOO